Kathi
was intellectually gifted, and she wasn't afraid to speak her
mind.Kathi
was intellectually gifted, and she wasn't afraid to speak her
mind.
As we grew up together, arguments and conflicts between us were frequent and sometimes intense. Our way of being together carried on into our adulthood. We all loved each other, and had great times together, but we often clashed over ideas and opinions.
Perhaps what was really going on was that we didn't know how to express our love for each other.
About ten years ago, that began to change. At the same time that I entered the most challenging period of my life, Kathi began to explore some inner demons that had haunted her since childhood.
One weekend at Nate's house, Kathi and I took our famous walk together. We walked in the woods for hours. We got lost, we had to knock on a door and call someone to come get us. But we didn't care, because as we walked and shared our thoughts and our feelings, we bonded in a way we never had before.
After
that, the conflicts diminished and eventually faded away. What
was left was love.
Kathi wrestled with her inner demons, and won. In recent years, it seemed clear to me that she was at peace with herself.
At the family reunion at Juanita's this past November, I coaxed Kathi into smiling at me for the camera. The love, vitality, and joy that comes across through that photo represents clearly what I felt from Kathi that weekend.
On New Year's day, Kathi called me. She was excited about her new computer, and wanted my advice because she was planning to learn more about computer hardware. She told me she was embarking on a doctorate program so she could become a researcher, since she already did research for fun anyway.
At the end of our conversation, Kathi told me, "I love you," in a way that went straight to my heart. I really got it. I told her I loved her, and I know she knew I meant it. The connection between us was clear and open; there was nothing between us but love.
When
I hung up, I thought, "that was a remarkable conversation."
I felt wonderful. I felt truly loved.
In the days since Kathi died, I have heard the same emotions expressed in many different ways by many different people. So many people loved Kathi. So many depended on her for so many things, especially her wisdom, her compassion, her love.
I began to realize that Kathi had developed a remarkable capacity: She drew people to her, and made them feel loved.
No, that's not quite it. She made us know we were loved.
In the last few days, as I joined the many who Kathi loved in mourning her death and celebrating her life, a new thought occurred to me:
Though she had many more hopes and plans and dreams, perhaps the most important part of Kathi's life's work was complete. She had given birth to three wonderful children, and raised them very well.
And she had learned how to convey her love - pure, joyful, nurturing, all-enveloping love - to herself and to those she loved.
Her life's work was done, so now she could leave.
